Ayanami's Diary - Page 2 - FTP-Anime Forums

TatsuAsshat · 03-04-2008, 06:10 AM

Ket, nice going, I never would have thought, YOU of all people would have made something interesting xD

And as far as the story goes, I think you should just make a short bit to tell us about the debt and stuff, plus maybe some details about the other girls that got experimented on.
Other then that, its all good so far xD
On another note, if these were detailed and I over looked them, soz, I'm not up for rereading it atm ;x

GhostHeLL · 26-04-2008, 04:37 AM

Let her go to the infirmary and there she finds out that the boss already escaped
she goes beserk and kills everyone...soniya included...eddie and ikram are not there.
she then escapes from the facility by breaking the metal doors easily...she has finnaly free and makes up her mind to find out about why her father was killed...the truth behind the Debt...get her involved in between a war brewing between the Mafia and the Yakuzaa

Nightsky · 27-04-2008, 02:09 AM

Really nice one Ketsurui. I had to read it all before commenting it. Can't wait to read more.

Ayanami really seems at least between 12-15 years old.

Gods speed to you.

sorry ghosthell, you have nice ideas but it sounds kinda cliché to me.

GhostHeLL · 27-04-2008, 02:42 AM

Yeah I Know
thats why I said it

Nightsky · 28-04-2008, 12:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ghosthell

Yeah I Know
thats why I said it

No don't do it! Otherwise I'll smithe thee

Cain · 22-05-2008, 07:32 AM

i see some higurashi in here.. and i think that the janitor scene in a prostitution den was from wing's mentioning that he cant work as a cleaner(i think?) in a strip bar...

m i rite?

sry for bad grammer.. kinda tired atm

TheWolf · 03-08-2009, 12:00 AM

well - you're writing about really rough stuff and hard to hear events that really do happen, Ketsurui. it's not my kind of reading [only reading it because you wrote it!] - but that said - it's really good and believable!!

there are many spelling and grammar errors - but if you were going to publish [and this might be good enuff to publish when done!] that's what editors are for - they help you fix those mistakes.

i prolly won't read anymore [because i don't like to read or watch this kind of stuff], but this writing really ain't too bad, Ketsurui!!! good luck with it!

26-04-2008, 04:37 AM	#12 (permalink)
GhostHeLL Moderator Rikushou (1st Lt. General) Baron of FTP-Anime Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Ghost Square Posts: 1,387 Thanks: 60 Thanked 276 Times in 204 Posts	Let her go to the infirmary and there she finds out that the boss already escaped she goes beserk and kills everyone...soniya included...eddie and ikram are not there. she then escapes from the facility by breaking the metal doors easily...she has finnaly free and makes up her mind to find out about why her father was killed...the truth behind the Debt...get her involved in between a war brewing between the Mafia and the Yakuzaa __________________

27-04-2008, 02:42 AM	#14 (permalink)
GhostHeLL Moderator Rikushou (1st Lt. General) Baron of FTP-Anime Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Ghost Square Posts: 1,387 Thanks: 60 Thanked 276 Times in 204 Posts	Yeah I Know thats why I said it __________________

03-08-2009, 12:00 AM	#17 (permalink)
TheWolf Super Moderator Grand Duke of FTP-Anime Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: prowling right behind you ... Posts: 2,742 Thanks: 833 Thanked 356 Times in 304 Posts	this ain't bad, Ketsurui!!! well - you're writing about really rough stuff and hard to hear events that really do happen, Ketsurui. it's not my kind of reading [only reading it because you wrote it!] - but that said - it's really good and believable!! there are many spelling and grammar errors - but if you were going to publish [and this might be good enuff to publish when done!] that's what editors are for - they help you fix those mistakes. i prolly won't read anymore [because i don't like to read or watch this kind of stuff], but this writing really ain't too bad, Ketsurui!!! good luck with it!

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03-04-2008, 06:10 AM	#11 (permalink)
TatsuAsshat Member Worthless Begger of FTP-Anime Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Hamilton Ontario Canada Posts: 1 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Ket, nice going, I never would have thought, YOU of all people would have made something interesting xD And as far as the story goes, I think you should just make a short bit to tell us about the debt and stuff, plus maybe some details about the other girls that got experimented on. Other then that, its all good so far xD On another note, if these were detailed and I over looked them, soz, I'm not up for rereading it atm ;x

27-04-2008, 02:09 AM	#13 (permalink)
Nightsky Member Knight Templar of FTP-Anime Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Helsinki Finland Posts: 680 Thanks: 33 Thanked 16 Times in 16 Posts	Really nice one Ketsurui. I had to read it all before commenting it. Can't wait to read more. Ayanami really seems at least between 12-15 years old. Gods speed to you. sorry ghosthell, you have nice ideas but it sounds kinda cliché to me.

22-05-2008, 07:32 AM	#16 (permalink)
Cain Fansub Staff Serf of FTP-Anime Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 16 Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 1 Post	i see some higurashi in here.. and i think that the janitor scene in a prostitution den was from wing's mentioning that he cant work as a cleaner(i think?) in a strip bar... m i rite? sry for bad grammer.. kinda tired atm